Tour de Pharmacy 2017

On the opening day of the 1982 Tour de France, JuJu Peppi [Orlando Bloom] becomes the unintended spark of chaos when an awkward, ill‑timed grab at a bikini‑clad spectator escalates into a full‑blown brawl among the peloton, and the race grinds to a halt as police investigate a broader pattern of doping. The tension tightens as authorities uncover narcotics use among the riders, and it comes to light that Ditmer Klerken [Kevin Bacon]—the UCI president—has accepted bribes of $50,000 from a majority of the competitors to forego preliminary drug testing. The revelation fractures trust and threatens the sport’s legitimacy, casting a shadow over the prospects of the event and the riders themselves.

From the shattered starting lineup, five racers are allowed to press on: JuJu Peppi [Orlando Bloom], Marty Hass [Andy Samberg], Adrian Baton [Freddie Highmore], Slim Robinson [Daveed Diggs], and Gustav Ditters [John Cena]. The rules are rewritten in real time as the catch‑up dynamics are explained to the world: the group agrees to rotate at the front so everyone can draft and conserve energy, a fragile truism that hides the fatigue and tension beneath. Yet when the race resumes, a tacit fear of exertion takes hold; no one steps forward, and the pace collapses into a slow crawl that turns the course into a test of endurance rather than speed.

In this strange détente, Slim Robinson chooses a different path. He savors the scenery and the moment, and eventually exits the race with a nearby spectator to pursue a life as the first black French dairy farmer, a quiet rebellion against the expectations placed on him and a nod to his own sense of identity beyond the bike. The decision is both liberating and isolating, highlighting how personal dreams can diverge from competitive ambitions.

Days later, Gustav Ditters is taunted by the crowd for failing to maintain speed, a taunt that becomes a catalyst for a dramatic turn. When the race restarts ten days after the disruption, Ditters channels this anger into a blistering surge that appears primed to claim the day. Yet the authorities soon suspect “enhancements” and a police raid on his apartment reveals cheetah’s blood in his system, leading to disqualification and a harsh reminder that cheating carries consequences even in a world built on spectacle and bravado.

The tragedy of the race deepens when Peppi dies from overexertion, his heart giving out as the effort peaks, and a cliff edge looms over the current standings. With Peppi out of the way, only Hass and Baton remain to contend for glory, and a complicated emotional current begins to pull them apart and pull them together. The two become entangled in a romantic entanglement that defies simple categorization and, in a moment of audacious strategy, they decide to pause the competition to explore their feelings in the woods. Hass learns Baton’s true identity and makes a vow to protect the secret, a choice that reverberates through their shared journey and adds a layer of moral ambiguity to the victory they are pursuing.

When the race resumes, their bond becomes a daring tactic: the pair wheels their bicycles in tandem, effectively tying themselves to each other so that they can ride toward a shared triumph. It’s a bold gambit that tests the edge of loyalty, partnership, and the meaning of winning in a race defined by rebellion as much as by speed.

On the final day, Rex Honeycut [James Marsden], the BBC reporter who rode alongside the competitors and recorded every lap in real time, learns that his own eligibility to win the Tour is a precarious possibility. His plan is undercut when Baton detaches from Hass and launches a desperate assault on Honeycut, knocking him to the ground so Hass can seize the stage. It’s later revealed that Honeycut’s own bicycle had been motorized to keep up with the extraordinary pace, underscoring how far some will go to shape a historical moment. Baton’s true identity is exposed, and she faces a severe punishment for manslaughter tied to the scuffle that claimed Honeycut’s life.

Against this backdrop, Slim Robinson unexpectedly reemerges as a late‑stage challenger in spirit, if not on the front lines, and then, in a climactic moment of perseverance, rushes forward to win the Tour by a razor‑thin margin—73 feet (22 meters) ahead of Hass. The victory marks a historic breach of color and social barriers, as Robinson revels in the idea that his achievement mirrors the legacy his legendary uncle sought to honor in baseball, while Hass experiences the bittersweet realization that Baton’s sacrifice carried a message far larger than any race result.

The present‑day frame folds in with reflective interviews that punctuate the aftermath: Marty Hass [Jeff Goldblum], Adriana Baton [Julia Ormond], Slim Robinson [Danny Glover], and Gustav Ditters [Dolph Lundgren] sit for conversations that peel back the layers of fame, failure, and the cost of ambition. The interviews also feature behind‑the‑scenes commentary from observers, including Lance Armstrong [Lance Armstrong], who remains largely anonymous in the public eye, the kind of confession that lingers long after the final pedal stroke has faded from memory.

Throughout the tale, the film maintains a balancing act between exuberant physical comedy and somber, thought‑provoking questions about doping, identity, loyalty, and the price of greatness. It blends satire with genuine human moments, offering a portrait of athletes who are as much defined by their choices off the bike as by the miles they ride. The narrative leans into the absurd while staying tethered to a core respect for the athletes who push themselves to extraordinary limits, and it presents a world where triumph can come with personal cost, and where every finish line is a doorway to new beginnings.

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