The Last Time I Committed Suicide 1997

Neal Cassady, Thomas Jane, narrates the film in the form of a letter, tracing a life that drifts between memory, impulse, and the promise of meaning as he recounts events both before and after a devastating suicide attempt by his longtime lover, Joan, Claire Forlani. The story unfolds in a carefully measured, almost clinical cadence, crossing time and perspective to reveal how Neal’s active mind and shifting thoughts tug at the edges of his relationships, ambitions, and sense of self.

It begins on the day of Joan’s suicide attempt, with Neal waiting in the hall outside her hospital room as the world outside seems to move in slow motion and inside the room, a quiet tension hangs in the air. The narrative then slides to the day before the tragedy, where a rain-soaked Neal whiskes Joan away from her job, setting in motion an intimate night that blurs into a complicated morning. After, she sits on the bed, sad, while Neal persists in professing a fierce love that he believes can salvage what is slipping away. The scene returns to the hospital, where silence swallows the couple and Neal is told he must leave, a moment that marks the fragile turning point of their relationship.

The film then advances to a visit from Ben, Adrien Brody, who asks Neal if he has returned to the hospital and whether he is coping with the upheaval in his life. The subsequent sequence finds Neal wide awake, pairing coffee with bread in a small domestic ritual, while Ben listens and Neal, in a surge of manic energy, outlines the wild story he longs to write—an outlet for the restlessness that roils beneath his surface. The conversations spill into Neal’s days as he encounters his friend Harry, Keanu Reeves, and the two drift toward a reckless plan: steal a car and embark on a road trip with a loose crew, letting the road’s pace push Neal toward moments of dangerous freedom.

Back at Neal’s workplace, a tire plant, Jerry, Jim Haynie, notices Neal’s altered state and intervenes, saving him from trouble as Neal’s behavior becomes harder to justify. The film threads a sense of uneasy progress as Neal begins to reconcile with Joan and dreams of settling into a more stable life with her. Yet fate intervenes in a moment of weakness: on the way to a job interview, Neal bumps into a drunk Harry again, who drags him into another drink and a fraught decision. In a blur of nostalgia and longing, Neal reaches out to Mary, Gretchen Mol—his teenage ex-girlfriend—whose presence rekindles old tensions and pulls him deeper into a web of consequences.

Mary’s mother eventually phones the authorities, and Neal is arrested just as he is about to leave, a jarring halt to his fragile attempt at normalcy. He is allowed one phone call, but he cannot recall Joan’s number, leaving him isolated in a moment of procedural paralysis. Although Mary refuses to testify against him and the charges are ultimately dropped, the police hold him on a questionable pretext of burglary. After two weeks in jail, Neal is released, and he goes to Joan’s house only to find it empty—the absence of the person he’s trying to hold on to mirrors the emptiness he feels inside. He waits, and when it becomes clear she isn’t coming back, he walks away, steals a car, and disappears into the night, a figure framed by the consequences of his scattered choices.

In the film’s final cadence, Neal finishes his letter, places the pages of his imagined novel into an envelope, and wanders off as the world seems to swirl with the weight of what has been said and what remains unfinished. The act of releasing the written fragments into the air becomes a symbolic gesture—a rejection of confinement and a hesitant step toward whatever comes next. The narrative closes with a sense of unresolved longing and the sense that memory, desire, and art will continue to pull Neal toward uncertain horizons, long after the immediate crisis has passed.